If you really hate your dog

i wonder if those come in “human” size. you know… for just hangin’ around the house.

After last night, my dog would have needed a Santa Sack for her shit. Crazy fucking night of the dog spewing unidentifiable materials all over the house. 2.5 hours total sleep. Suck.

Guess she just ate something bad… like the actual devil.

I went to bed at 2am Thursday night/Friday morning and about 2 hours later Jessica woke up and smell vomit, shit, death of an emu… something. Anyway, woke me up. 2 nice big piles of 2/3rds digested dog food. It had a tint different than the food she ate, and looked like it had been in her system a long time before coming all the way back up to the top.

Oh, but that wasn’t it. She continued to vomit, and we had nice little pools of doggy bile, wrapped up in their little slimey bag of goo in several places, including the second floor. Not a fun adventure to clean.

So 1.5 hrs, 3 different cleaning products and two rolls of paper towels later, I had the junk, gunk and funk all picked up and out to the garage trash. I could tell there would still be a lot to do the next day, but I needed sleep. So, 5.30 I figure I’ll grab the last hour, I pin the dog up (with baby gates) in the kitchen to avoid carpet messes for the rest of the night. I figured it was over anyway, since she had no issues for the 1.5 hours I was cleaning her crap up.

30 minutes later.

Yeah, the two messes Jessica found were very hard to describe. One was clearly stomach inhabitants of some sort… but the bag of goo they were in was impossible to really detail. I grabbed a lot of paper towels and tried to soak/pick that up, and it just kinda rolled around, like a plastic bag or something. But it was also slowly soaking into the towel too. It was super fucking gross, like Amy Winehouse’s fish purse.

But I don’t think that was the worst part… because on the other side of the table, it looked as if someone has stuffed a double-barreled shotgun full of smelly liquid poo… aimed it down the length of a wall and floor and pulled the trigger. Fuck, I can’t even guess what happened… backpressure? What the fuck was wrong with this dog?!?

Anyway, it was the single worst cleanup I could imagine actually having to do… and I’m not convinced I won’t have to pull baseboards at some point to be sure I actually got it all. Cleaned all of that, mopped twice, steam cleaned all of the affected areas… twice. Rinsed it all. Spot cleaned it all again. Have gone through 47 metric tons of air fresheners and candles, have bathed the whore dog twice, and it’s still just a subtle nasty smell hanging around in dark corners waiting to get revenge on us all.

It was a fucked up experience in general.

Good god man, what a nightmarish state of affairs. Is Roxy alright now?

Check for sea slugs dude, in Auckland we had a couple of cases of dogs getting real sick last week and it turned out it was because they ate sea slugs.

Well, I really wanted to save that story for the show, but I didn’t want to get too gross if it didn’t spur a few moments of funny.