September 22, 2009 at 4:56 pm #2170
Gather ’round children Uncle Bing’s gotta story:
I live in a very lovely neighborhood with great big old trees and big backyards. Its the opposite of suburbia in terms of landscape. The houses are generally smaller for smaller families and old and sturdy as fuck.
The road that is in front of my house has a legal speed limit of 25 mph. Given the children at play and people walking their dogs 25 mph may as well be 125. Locals never go that fast on it (as short as the road is you’d have to slam the gas to get up to 25 before you ran out of road).
So yesterday I has walking back into my front yard after talking with a neighbor when a UPS truck comes hauling ass down the road and I turned into a real asshole. I went back into the road forcing him to stop and yell “Move it!” to which I responded “Slow down this is a residential street and there are little kids and people walking around here”. Then something strange happened, I couldn’t decide which I wanted more, to make this man hear my point of view and have a little verbal sparring or just see how angry I could make him and how quickly I could do it.
Driver: Listen, the speed limit is 25 and I was doing 10
Me: No, you were not doing 10 you were cutting thru this neighborhood to avoid the traffic light at the intersection
Driver:You don’t know that
Me: I know that I live here and you are driving too fast and it is dangerous
Driver:Get out of the road I’m trying to work here.
Me: Well, looks like you gotta work in reverse then.
Driver: What is your problem?
Me: Right now? A giant brown truck that’s hauling ass on my street.
Driver: This truck ain’t going anywhere ’cause your dumbass is in the way
Me: Is that sexual harassment?
Me: You just made an offensive remark about my ass, I should call your H.R. person.
Driver: (gets out of the truck) Listen here motherfucker I’m getting sick of your smart mouth
Me: you shouldn’t drive so fast when you are sick.
Driver: What’s your name?
Me: First or Last name?
Driver: Get out of the fucking road or I’ll knock you out the way.
Me: Would 10mph be fast enough?
Driver: (gets back in truck) I ain’t got time for this fucking shit asshole
Me: Well just think of the time you saved by cutting thru this neighborhood.
Driver: Fuck you and your Mama (truck begins to reverse and turn around in a driveway going back the way he came, giving me “the finger” the whole way)
Me: Ya’ll be safe now ‘hear.
yes this is true, no I did not embellish details, yes I was convinced he was gonna take a swing at me, and no fucking way in hell was I moving out of that street. Personally I don’t care if he runs over every child in the neighborhood, I hate them fucking kids…but MY DOG is on that road sometimes, and one thing you never, EVER do is fuck with a redneck’s dog.
My dog is 120 lbs of muscle and awesomeness, of course we have to move when he farts but whaddyagonnado?
he kinda looks like a UPS truck tooSeptember 22, 2009 at 5:39 pm #24495Version3Keymaster
I REALLY would have been crawling up every corporate chain to make absolutely sure that not only would this guy hear about it, but that I would know he did. I hate people at work, worse than I hate regular people.
Oh yeah, fuck John Day… he still sucks cock.September 22, 2009 at 6:36 pm #24503thx_1227Participant
Bing, you sir won that confrontation without question.September 22, 2009 at 7:07 pm #24502IvanParticipant
Bing for president in ’08September 22, 2009 at 8:28 pm #24504LarkitectParticipant
bing, that was awesome. i believe that’s what theodore cleaver would call “givin’ ‘im the business” and you did it with aplomb. i applaud you sir. you are a real man of genius. and you are no longer dead to me.
My essence still senses Bucho's women.September 22, 2009 at 10:23 pm #24500September 23, 2009 at 6:09 am #24497BuchoParticipant
Nice job Bing, was anyone else around to see or hear the conversation?
- Women sense my power and they seek the life essence.September 23, 2009 at 6:13 am #24496Version3Keymaster
Yeah, so that we know if you are a Goddamn liar or not? 😀September 23, 2009 at 6:24 am #24505LarkitectParticipant
now that y’all mention it, the dialogue did seem a bit too clever for bing to come up with on the spot.
My essence still senses Bucho's women.September 23, 2009 at 3:20 pm #24501
Yeah my neighbor was in his front yard deciding whether or not to intervene until he realized I was just trying to give the driver a stress induced infarction.
I’m real quick with smartass dialogue when trying to piss someone off in an altercation, crazy angry people don’t think and calm smartasses like me think much faster when you may be getting punched in the next few seconds…..and the only stories I lie about are ones involving money, women, and penis size.September 23, 2009 at 7:09 pm #24506Masturbates with pooParticipant
@Bing 41604 wrote:
the only stories I lie about are ….. penis size.
–> realSeptember 24, 2009 at 4:48 am #24499digitaltopiaParticipant
That’s just great Bing. I would’ve called his boss too.September 24, 2009 at 5:46 am #24498BuchoParticipant
Sheeit dude, I never had even a skerrick of a doubt about the veracity of the story, I was just wondering if those kids/dogwalkers For added fun you mentioned happened to be in attendance/earshot. For added funniness.
- Women sense my power and they seek the life essence.
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