Latest Replies › Forums › The Orange Lounge › Wh-o T-he Hel-l liste-ns to S-OS blahblah – pa—-ul › Re: Wh-o T-he Hel-l liste-ns to S-OS blahblah – pa—-ul
The next guy I think should be Pa-ul.
My three questions are:
1. Think of the person that influenced you the most throughout your life; now go down 11 people on that list. Who would it be and why?
A. Adolf Hitler….
Nah, I’m only joking. I just put that in to see if anyone would suddenly stare at the screen and think ”Holy Fuck….. you picked who…..I’ve got to see how he squirms out of that one”. My real choice would be……Che Guevara, it not everyday that you can lead an uprising (especially with Castro) invite Russia in for a tea-party and then go on the be one of the most printed faces on T-shirts (next to that damn smiley face).
2. Someone you’re close to admits he’s kidnapped successful American sitcom star and daytime talk show host Tony Danza. When he draws the curtain in the cellar and shows you him in person, in what way do you physically assault Mr. Danza?
A. Okay, where do I start. Maybe setting off a mouse, or bear, trap right on the tip of his pee-pee would get a banshee like scream, or, we could go for the mass disgrace option. Tie him naked somewhere public, possibly Times Square, and flog him with an oversized bright orange dildo (televised would be a bonus). This is of course praying that he doesn’t bat for the other side, putt from the rough or likes playing hide the salami, in which case it’s wasted. Failing the physical torture there is the mental torture. Get Andre the Giant trussed up in a little thong, pour oil on him (I have’nt got the stomach to rub it in) and have him do a lapdance on Tony (Uh, I just shivered and grated my teeth at the thought).
3. If you were a country, what country would you geographically be next to on the Earth and what would you be called?
A.. Oooh….Difficult one this. Okay, I’d be located in the South Pacific, relatively close to Fiji. It’s name is not really a word, more of a sound. The best way to pronounce it would be to take a deep breath and then yell “Aaaaaah”, as loud as you can. Now would’nt that be fun at a travel agency, to the half asleep people on the bus from the Airport to the hotel “Welcome to Aaaaaah”, or to anybody that asks where you’ve been on your holiday. Women would also have to sunbathe topless, it is the law after all as is the compulsory wearing of one way sunglasses, and quite probably selective eyesight.
**Interior: Dr. Philus Wong Bing therapy session, Tuesday 11:46 am**
Welcome back to “SOS Anonymous” today we have a new member….new member introduce yourself.
And when did you realize you had a problem with SOS?
When I started listening to the show on my player in bed with the wife and donkey punching started to creep into our relationship.
Explain these sexual inadequacies that were brought on by SOS.
Oh, I would’nt say that I had an inadequacy (that would be playing right into your hands, but not literally), I just let my wife listen to the show and jump on when the laughing started.
When you say you felt emasculated by Rob’s laugh exactly what do you mean?
Aw crap, if I say anything wrong here Robs gonna want my head on a platter (If you hire a hitman Rob I can be reached at work. It’s MI5 department 6…..Hehe). I wouldn’t feel emasculated by Robs laugh, but, I would say it is one of the most infectious laughs I’ve ever heard. Kinda like getting you balls tickled with an Ostrich feather (not that I’ve had that done, or that I’d tell you if I had)
okay class I think that is enough for now…let’s all listen to Pa-ul’s story
key—> (fill in the blank)
ex. Rob (****) = Rob (rules) or Rob (smells like cheese)…etc.
Hi my name is Pa-ul I like to (beat up small furry animals) and especially love (the way in which the Switched:On show can make parts of my body waggle, contrary to the way in which nature intended). Most of the time I like to think of myself as (a placid sort of person, and somewhat restrained in the deviancy department) and only when I am (fully Switched:On) do I (release the demons within (Hollywood will probably be making an SOS movie here)). I will never give up my SOS habit because (the consequences would be like having a hot porcupine quill shoved up your peehole) and you can all go to hell for making me try…in fact, yet you can (go and do a rectal examination of) your mother and then (Donkey Punch) her (into submission). You buncha (cess pool mudskippers).
All Hail the SOS’ers and their (grasp on normality) because without them I would never be able to (make blow job gestures to old ladies walking down the streets whilst holding my head high with pride)
Exam Part II
3 – Name 3 celebrities you know you could beat up
A. Lassie, what???, you did’nt mention it being a person (which was actually tempting to have Flipper in there, but I’d have to use a harpoon or something). How can “Whine, Whine, Bark-bark” mean, “Follow me a little boy has fallen of a cliff”.
Macaulay Culkin, he really needs or at least deserves it (not that Michael Jackson has’nt already…Ooops (My views are’nt the views of the show, just to cover your buts)).
I just did a Google image search, which sort of clinched it for the third lucky recipient which would have to be Tony Danza (please form an orderly queue).
2 – Who is your favorite music group / band / or singer?
A. I’d have to say it’s now “Goldfrapp”, it’s not really everyones cup of tea (ah crap, that sounds so upper class English, which isn’t me). It used to be The Stranglers.
1 – What is the most shameful place you ever “rubbed one outtm” in?
A. Welllll, if you mean in the sense of “pummelling the pink periscope”, it’s not really shameful in the sense of rubbing one out at the back of the church, or the production line of an Ice-Cream making company. The most shameful experience is having to rub one out for a sample in a hospital cubicle, where the curtains didn’t shut properly. People kept walking past and having a peek at what was going on ( I could have sworn that some people were making return visits……Fuckers).
tm “rub one out courtesy of Captain Bryan productions 2005-2006 all rights reserved inc, pinc, youstinc.
The essay portion…I had some time.
As I was leaving the Hospital, having discharged myself (aw crap, I’ve just realised what I’ve wrote further up) after having minor surgery to remove a few dog teeth from my legs & arms. When Fathers Patrick, O’Toole and Muldoon approached me. “Hmmm”, I think to myself, “Why are they all greased up like that, the rumours must be true”. They asked me if I had grease gun, apparently they wanted their pistons and ball joints lubricating. I say “Sure, I have one in the back of the car”, so they follow me to the car. As I open the rear door of the car, out flops a large dildo (looking rather like a sleeping, but bleached, Darth Vader). I explain to the priests that I’m on my way to Times Square to join in the fun for some sort of Piñata party. By the look on their faces it didn’t seem to wash with them. I retrieved said grease gun and helped the priests fix the car. Job done the priests asked if they could give me something for my trouble, I said “No, just doing my bit”. They talked between themselves for a while and asked if they could have the offending article in the back of the car, so that they could perform and exorcism on it.
Pa-ul it’s been my plea-sure serv-ing you. If you would so kindly send me the required info I will surely be on my way to torture another SOS’er…..
If it doesn’t work, jam a screwdriver in there and jiggle it about.