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Re: The Master’s test – Bring on the Bing.

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Re: The Master’s test – Bring on the Bing.

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At ease you animals it’s time for Bing to run the gauntlet himself. Again. But this time not some pussified gauntlet of his own making, this time a second rate NZ made impersonation of a pussified gauntlet.

Strap in Bing, this thing’s been known to kick …

First of all…God Bless NZ… and its native son Temerua Morgensen, the one and only Imperial Stormtrooper.1.

Would you rather have an x-wing or tie fighter?

Well, seeing as how the pilots view out of a tie fighter looks just like a turd’s view out of an anus, I’ll go with an X-wing (Note: The preceding answer does not denote any political affiliation or ideal, any opinions expressed herein are solely the property of SOS’ers Inc.)

2. What is all that cool looking console stuff in your old avatar? I’m sure it has some impressive name like “DMH-652323 Model 3” or something like that. As far as I was concerned it was called the “Touch one wrong switch and everything either goes silent or screams like Jerry at the drive-thru board”….let’s just say people were afraid when I sat behind it……and not in the cool way

3. You are chosen as one of the guest judges in a Miss World pagaent and seated next to fellow judge Lindsay Lohan. She drops in that she is a huge fan of switched:ON and most of all has a little crush on that hot stud with the goatee but she doesn’t want anyone to know because he’s married. However you’re surprised to notice a physical abnormality that seems to have been airbrushed from any published photos of her. Describe it for us. September 2006, Judge’s Panel: Bing’s Journal. This Lohan chick is HOT!! Today at the rehearsal she smelled like flowers and looked like a million damn dollars. Her husband was some little skinny wimp with a bum leg and bad asthma. I figured I could take him if push came to shove, even with my aversion to violence….or something like that. During a commercial I slipped a “Rob for Prez” joke in and she started blushing. “Oh I think that Rob is so hot and funny…I really wish he’d call on me sometime.” I was about to broker a deal with Rob and the Lindsey meat when I saw what (at the time) I thought was a cigarette lighter or perhaps an oddly shaped key ring in her pants. “Why don’t we go outside for a smoke and I’ll give you his number” I said, feeling my way into Hollywood becoming more a reality. “Oh I don’t smoke” she said. “Then why do you carry a lighter in your pocket?” I asked innocently. “Oh, that?” she giggled……suddenly the ground started shaking like a preachers daughter on prom night and up from the crotch of Rob’s own personal heaven came a 30 foot tall likeness of none other than Mike the Mortgage Guy shooting fire and hatred from his burning red eyes. “TELL THE WHOLE WORLD I SHARTED WILL YOU!!!!……BURN YOU BITCHES!!!!!”…….(static)……***transmission ends***……….

4. You meet up with Jerry at a Racetrack store and at one point you realise it’s not Jerry but actually Agent Smith impersonating Jerry impersonating Agent Smith. Now that you realise you’re in The Matrix what do you use bullet time to accomplish? Hold on, I’m confused lemme read that again…………….okay got it. Here we go (sorry Hugo Weaving, personally I think you rock).

Bing: “Dude, aren’t you that Matrix/LOTR guy?”
Smith: “Mr. Anderson….you mistake me, I am Jerry….the SOS’er from the podcast”
Bing: “Uh…right……..well I gotta go”
Bingette: “Honey hurry up we gotta get going..wait..is that?…..OH MA GAWD!!! IS THAT JERRY!!! JEEEEEERRRRRYYYY!!!!!!”
Bing: “Honey get in the car”
Smith: “Do you hear that? It is the sound of inevitability.”
Bing: “Honey run! It’s evil Agent Smith…AAHHH!” (Bing runs off into the distance using bullet time to disappear into thin air)
Bingette: “So…..Jerry….do you like married women?”
Smith: “uh….where did your husband go?”
Bingette: “It’s just me and you Jerry…stop being coy”
Smith: “Architect…I need an exit……..uh………NOW!!”
Bingette: “There can be only one………”


5. At the time Agent Smith is impersonating him where is the real Jerry and what is he doing?

Jerry: “……..the hell is all this crap? What is this thing in the back of my neck…what?…who are you?”
Frank:”OOOh Jerry its you!!!!! You’re so much cuter in person”

6. NASA calls you up for the most dangerous and sexy mission in the history of mankind which will involve spending 6 months aboard a new state of the art rocket ship in close proximity with three other crew. You must take two of the following people on the mission … Gary Coleman, Hulk Hogan, Miss Piggy, David Hasselhoff, Serena Williams, George Lucas, OJ Simpson, Gary Glitter, Madonna, Jeffrey Dahmer and Queen Elizabeth II. The last crew member is your own choice of someone not on the list. Which three people do you take? Why? Well first off I’m gonna pick Rob to go with us. That way I can bum smokes off of him on the trip and he and Serena can talk hairstyles and cornrows on the trip while me and Miss Piggy get down and dirty on the ruttin’ pig sex.

..that’s right I said it. I’ma make that sexy little swine a “Mrs.”….For dinner we’ll have Kermit legs in a Nicole Simpson sauce while watching “Star Wars the Holiday Special the Super Bombad Special Edition (where Qui-Gon has a threesome with Madonna and the Hulkster)…….Brooke Hogan BTW will be the naked chick helping Rob with his hair……(gotta look out for ma’ boy)

7. Due to perturbing illogicalities you may only take 5 songs and 5 dvds on the trip. Tell us which ones. Damn dude…..you’re killing me..

Songs: (and I ain’t wanna hear no slack from any of ya….this means you Darth O.)
Under Pressure – Queen
5150 – Van Halen
Domino (parts 1 and 2) – Genesis
Operation Mindcrime – Queensryche
Leader of the Band – Dan Folgeberg

DVD’s: (non-smack rules still apply….you too Rusty)
Jenna Lewis’s Honeymoon video (God bless you Frank)
Star Wars (any episode they all rock) {( original trilogy non-special editions HAN SHOT FIRST!!!!!)}
Cosmos (Carl Sagan)
The Complete Guide To The Sos’ers by Newman

8. The mission goes perfectly until the fifth month when the life support system fails as slackness creeps into the routines due to the crew all becoming potheads. Who gets eaten first and which condiments are used?

“Dude…this pig chick tastes like bacon….hey Rob, gimme that hairpick….I bet we can get some bacon outta her fat ass…..

9. Rob rides to the rescue in The Millenium Falcon. Who is his co-pilot and what are they both wearing for matching uniforms?

Bing: “Rob?????….I thought you were already here?????…….”

the supposed *Rob* on the NASA spaceship morphs to….AGENT SMITH!!!!

***dramatic music swells***

Smith: “Mr. Anderson, your wife is one crazy bitch. She almost destroyed the Matrix until I proved I wasn’t Jerry…..”

Chewie: “Easy Smith…I got this”
(Chewie unzips costumes to reveal……………………….LINDSEY LOHAN!!!!!!!)

Rob: (the REAL Rob on the Falcon)….GODDAMNIT!!!!! …………..I’ve been wacking for 6 months on this piece o’ junk and all this time you were here…Lindsey, I love you!! Take me!!!!

Chewie/Lindsey: “I’m sorry I had to trick you, I’ve actually been in love with you since the Miss World Contest, but your excessive whacking has kinda wierded me out….I’m thinking Jerry is more my type…..

Smith: “Jesus, you people suck!!”

Serena Williams: **unzips costume to reveal

CAPTAIN BRYAN!!!!!** “Have any of you people paid even the slightest attention to where this spaceship is going?!”

****Emergency NASA Transmission*** …….message as follows….


**transmission ends**

10. You visit a Dipndots which transports you into the future where you enter a competition on a website called http://www.holycrapswitchedonistenyearsoldandtheyaregivingawaythechancetohavethepersonofyourchoicedroppedintoatankfulloffiftyhungrymorayeels.com. Who do you choose?

No need to think…Oprah Winfrey….. RIP bitch

11. What would your Top Gun call sign be?


12. You and Rob are at a NIN show and he asks you to put him up on your shoulders for the encore, which, for all you know, might run 5 or 6 songs. Keeping in mind that Rob is definitely not gay, do you do him the favour? If not, what excuse do you give him, and if so what favour do you ask in return? (note: Be wowed and flabbergasted by exotic NZ spelling of “favour”).

Rob: “Dude…lemme on your shoulders and I’ll get Jerry to let your wife down easily”
Bing: “Whatever man, just hurry up with your heavy ass.”
Rob: “Okay….*grunt*…watch the nuts…..*grunt*………(almost falls)…..ok, got it?
Bing: “Goddamn dude…..what’cho been eating??”
Rob: “Just stand still you redneck”
Lindsay: “Oh hey Bing, good to see you again…this must be your boyfriend”
Rob: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

13. Which cartoon or comic book characters do Jerry, Bryan and Rob correspond to?
Okay don’t ask me why… I just wrote the first thing I thought of (you Freudians should have a field day with this…..buncha wierdos)

Jerry – Superman
Bryan – Optimus Prime
Rob – Swamp Thing

14. When and how did you first find Switched:ON?

Honestly I went to podcast.net and searched for “comedy” I randomly downloaded about 12 or so ‘casts and SOS was the only one that I got more than 10 seconds into.

If anyone gives a damn it was Rob’s hyena laugh that made me stick around. I figured (that’s a southern thing…everyone else on the planet *thinks*……in the south we *figure*) anything that makes a guy laugh like that is worth listening to for a few minutes. I’ve been here ever since.

15. How long did it take before you could recognise the hosts by name?
Bryan I got from the beginning, hence Captain Bryan. It took a few shows for me to distinguish Jerry from Rob, for awhile I had Rob’s laugh going with Jerry’s voice…..which made absolutely NO sense.

16. You’ve been bad and God says for the next year you’re only allowed 3 types of food (not 3 food groups, just 3 types of food i.e. apple is one type, pear is a separate type. Wendys burger is a different type to a Burger King burger) and 2 types of drink. Which do you choose?

Chinese Take-Out Lo-Mein
Fried Chicken (again, I’m Southern..its genetic)
**I figure I need a vegetable**
Broccoli (it makes me fart and that’s cool)

-Whiskey (God Bless Jack Daniels)
-Water (pussy answer I know so I will give myself an extra unauthorized answer)
-Beer…preferably a pilsner —you stout beer guys astound me….I can’t hang with that shit.

17. Where do you typically listen to Switched:ON and do you get to listen to a whole episode at once, or in patches?

Me and Bingette listen for a few hours at night while we fix dinner and/or eat. Depending on the show we usually try to make a whole show last 2 nights.

……except for those nights I listen alone……and naked……covered in butter……

….hope you all have nightmares on that one…….fuckers…..

18. Would you rather have a tank, helicopter, hovercraft or AT-ST walker?

Dude, you know better than to ask….AT-ST all the way.

19. George Lucas’ neck grows so big he takes to wearing only the traditional garb of a sumo wrestler. He comes to you one day for a rub down and during the massage he offers you the chance to script the pilot episode of the SW tv series. Give your forty word script. (Use exactly 40 words, any more or less and George gets to sit on your face).

I think that you are gonna fuck up everything my childhood stood for, you fat flannel bastard. If you screw this up then may Bryan’s three week old testicle sweat infest your taste buds forever, you greedy hairy bearded fuck.

20. Oprah becomes president of the world and gives you the choice of either a year in jail (maximum security with badass inmates) you’re guaranteed to live through or a year on a desert island (alone, starting with only the clothes you’re wearing now and knowing nothing else about the island until you’re there) you’re unsure you can survive. Which do you choose? Why?

Believe me my brother, despite the non-political nature of the SOS show. I will defect to another country LONG before that scenario becomes a reality, or die trying.

21. Bryan builds you a Volkswagon time machine but it’s only a one shot deal.You can go to one time, past or future, and come back. Which time do you visit and why?

I go back one day and write this questionnaire and then come back in time to answer it.

…..cool how that worked huh?………

22. Rank your top 3 animated tv series ever.

Transformers (80’s version..unsure of proper name)
-Bugs Bunny and Road Runner
-Pinky and The Brain

23. Rank the top 3 bands/artists of all time.
-Van Halen
-Edvard Munch

24. Rank the top 3 sexiest women alive in 2006.
-Monica Belluci
-The female offspring of the union of El-Nacho and Darth Octavious

25. Rank the three greatest movies you’ve ever seen.
(Im’a get flamed for this I know it……)

-Jacob’s Ladder
-The Abyss
-Saturday Night Fever

(these are all based on my experience seeing them for the first time in the theater with no preconceived notion of what they were about or what type of movie they were)

26. What will the Coyote do to Roadrunner if he ever catches him?

Force him to listen to SOS while cooking him to death on a spit over a burning fire of Captain Bryan’s dirty underwear.

27. Sometimes when I ____ there’s a certain type of ____ that fits the moment so perfectly I ____ my ____. On the odd occasion I’ve even been known to ____ for ____ and ____ the ____ with the ____. ____ 23 midgets and ____ naked ____ maple syrup and a pair of rotten ____. It reminds me of ____ the ____ back in ____ with my favourite ____ and I fight back the tears and laughter while ____ sits on ____ and ____ with ____. In summary SOS means ____ to me and if they ever stop I’ll ____ until ____ several hundred ____ and a wombat’s ____.

****This is too complicated to type out….listen to the SOS voicemails for the answer****
And the question which will bring the answer upon which hangs the fate of mankind …

28. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever smelt?

Judas’s Farts…(you gotta dig deep on http://www.brobenkind.com to figure it out…….if you care to understand that is…………..)